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Wood, Eugene, 1860-1923

"Back Home"

And after I was all
safe, then I'd go back and rescue folks.
We-ell, I s'pose I'd have to rescue a girl. It seems they always
do that. But it would be nicer, I think, to rescue some real rich
man. He'd say: "My noble preserver! How can I sufficiently reward
you?" and take out his pocketbook. And wouldn't say: "Take back
your proffered gold," and make like I was pushing it away, "take
back your proffered gold. I but did my duty." And then wouldn't
forget all about it. And one day, after I'd forgotten all about,
it, the man would die, and will me a million dollars, or a thousand,
I don't know. Enough to make me rich.
And say! Wouldn't the animals get excited when they saw the show
was afire? They'd just roar and roar, and upset the cages, and
maybe they'd get loose. O-o-o-Oh! How about that? If there was
a lion come at me I'd climb a tree. What would you do? Ah, your
pa's shot-gun nothing! Why, you crazy, that would only infuriate
him the more. What you want to do is to take an express rifle,
like Doo Challoo did, and aim right for his heart. An express
rifle is what you send off and get, and they ship it to you by
express.
So you see what a fellow misses by having to go to the show in the
afternoon, like the girls and the a-b-abs. The boys from across
the tracks get to go at night.


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