Well, being miserable, as I say, every thing looked black and
bad to me: I hated all men, distrusted all women, doubted the
existence of God, and was a forlorn wretch generally. Why I did not
go to the devil I can't say: I did start once or twice; but the
thought of that dear old woman in there sitting all alone and
waiting for me dragged me back, and kept me here till the first
recklessness was over. People talk about duty being sweet; I have
not found it so, but there it was: I should have been a brute to
shirk it; so I took it up, and held on desperately till it grew
bearable."
"It has grovn sweet now, David, I am sure," said Christie, very low.
"No, not yet," he answered with the stern honesty that would not let
him deceive himself or others, cost what it might to be true. "There
is a certain solid satisfaction in it that I did not use to find. It
is not a mere dogged persistence now, as it once was, and that is a
step towards loving it perhaps."
He spoke half to himself, and sat leaning his head on both hands
propped on his knees, looking down as if the weight of the old
trouble bent his shoulders again.
"What more, David?" said Christie.
"Only this. When I found I had got to live, and live manfully, I
said to myself, 'I must have help or I cannot do it.
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