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Dunne, Finley Peter, 1867-1936

"Mr. Dooley Says"


"Justice is all a poor criminal asks f'r, an' that's what he gets. He
don't desarve a anny betther. 'Tis like askin' on'y f'r a pair iv dooces
in a car-d game an' havin to bet thim. If I done wrong I'd say: 'Don't
deal me anny justice. Keep it f'r thim that wants it. Undher th'
circumstances all I ask is a gr-reat deal iv injustice an' much mercy. I
do not ask to be acquitted be a jury iv me peers. I am a modest man an'
I'll accipt me freedom fr'm th' humblest bailiff in th' land. I do not
care to come triumphant out iv this ordeel an' repoort other cases f'r
th' newspa-apers. All I ask is a block's start an' some wan holdin' th'
polisman's coattails. I waive me right to be thried be an incorruptible,
fair, an' onprejudiced Judge. Give me wan that's onfair an' prejudiced
an' that ye can slip somethin' to.
"No, sir, whin a man's broke an' does something wrong, th' on'y temple
iv justice he ought to get into is a freight car goin' West. Don't niver
thrust that there tough-lookin' lady with th' soord in her hand an' th'
handkerchief over her eyes. She may be blind, though I've seen thriles
where she raised th' bandage an' winked at th' aujence--she may be
blind, but 'tis th' fine sinse iv touch she has, an' if ye vinture into
her lodgins an' she goes through ye'er pockets an' finds on'y th'
pawnticket f'r th' watch ye stole off Hogan, she locks th' dure, takes
off th' handkerchief, an' goes at ye with th' soord.


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